I have been spending a lot of time becoming withdrawn from the world, lately. Many random and scattered thoughts, wishes, and dreams have been dominating my psyche as of late. For instance, I just repeated the same sentence twice but in different words. I thought that one of my goals was to learn the efficiency of the english language, which it can be. However, the opposite can be true. Too many words can be said to mean nothing.
I could hope to avoid too much redunancy and flowery terms. Someday, I would like to see myself taking more courses involving the written language. Do I wish to define myself through my writing? Maybe I am looking to it as some sort of magical tool that will prioritize my wants and needs for me so that I do not have to accomplish this task by myself. Lack of responsibility to myself would make a very fine goal. Back to childhood and into our immaturity we journey.
Did I mention that Mindy had contacted me? I wonder how long it will take me to get over the whole thing. One of my dreams was to have a child. As I write, I remember one of the lessons that my english teacher imparted to me. Use concrete terms. Use the be verb only as a last resort. I am glad for his instruction. Back to the subject of having a child, I also felt somewhat validated as a male of my species and had discovered that yes, I am a man. I never looked at virility as a qualifier for manhood but once it had happened I felt that it made for a great indicator. Then it fled from me. Taken away. Never happened.
The never happened story seems to crop up quite often in my life’s experiences. Living in a constant state of learning that certain things never happened can really cause a person to start questioning his reality. You start to wonder if what you are feeling is even real and you begin to avoid the real in favor of the synthetic. Hell, science can even prove that the synthetic is as valid as the real and the only difference anyway is external stimulii versus internal. I picked up that bit from some of the TED talks I have been watching lately.
To be a bit more direct, it all boils down to the same thing. I am depressed, have no clue in what direction I want to travel, and can’t make up my mind about who I hope to become. Sincerity is a quality I would like to live up to but what the hell am I doing anyway?
Playing video games, going to work, coming home, reading the internet, playing more video games. Do I want anything more out of my life? What do I want to do for my birthday? I will be twenty-nine years old. How do I want to feel about this? Right now I feel a bit anxious about it but that is mostly because I think some part of me is trying to plan out a boring lonely birthday. That side of me usually wins. I hope it goes different this year.